Some Random Fun (Lunchtime Special)

Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 2:44 pm

Quotation

Emo Phillips on the art of lovemaking -

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

Explosm

Joke

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

Alternative job definitions

ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.
BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.
BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.
CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time,and then charges you for it.
DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.
ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them..
PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience
PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.
STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.
PRIEST: Someone addressed by everyone as "Father" except his children who call him "uncle".
UROLOGIST: Someone who looks at your penis with disdain, touches it with disgust, then charges you as if he'd sucked it.

Joined: Jul 05, 2007 Posts: 471 Location: Liverpool

I liked the hospital one.

Wenchy

Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:25 pm

PMSL

Joined: May 15, 2007 Posts: 403 Location: Capital of Wales

I liked the hospital one aswell Laughing

Two of my fav's:

A lady lies in a coma and has done for some 5 years. Two nurses are giving the patient a bed bath, usual thing, 10am every morning. As the nurses go about their job they happen to sponge the patient down below on her "sensitive" area, at this point the patient lets out a slight groan. The two nurses look up at each other and ask "Did you just see that"? They repeat the sponging down below and amazingly the patient lets out another quiet groan.

They leave the ward straight away and excitedly call the patients husband. They explain what they were doing and what reaction they got and ask him to come straight away to the hospital but not to build his hopes up.

He's met by the consultant at the hospital who explains in full what exactly has happened. He goes on to add "Maybe you being her husband can gain a further reaction from her, massage her down below and tickle her there". Reluctantly the husband agrees, he walks into the private room his wife lies in, pulls the curtain and locks the door.

He lifts the bed covers, slides his arm below, puts his hands inside her knickers and tries to gain a reaction similar to what the two nurses had experienced. He gains a positive reaction and as explained to him his wife lets out a moan and her eye lids flutter slightly. He is really excited by this as its the only thing he has seen his wife do for 5 years since the accident that left her this way.

He rushes out the room, calls the nurses who page the consultant. The consultant takes the husband into a quiet room and asks him what happened. After the husband explains the consultant comes up with an idea. "What I'd like you to do next is, go back into the room and this time try oral sex, its the best chance you have of waking up your wife"

Again the husband goes back into the room but this time he is even more reluctant but does as the consultant suggests in the hope of waking up his beloved wife. A few minutes pass and all hell breaks loose. Sirens are going off, lights are flashing, the door gets kicked open, a crash team come flying into the room with the consultant just behind. "What happens?" asks the consultant "What have you done?" he adds.

"I dunno" says the sheepish looking husband "but she might of choked".

An eldery couple are sitting in the front room all cosey in front of the warm fire watching the telly one night. The old lady looks at her husband with a twinkle in her eye and says "I'll be back in a minute love". He nods but dosen't even glance up from the telly. She gets up, walks past him, out of the room up the stairs and into the bedroom.

She's desperate to add a little sparkle back into there non existent sex life. She opens the chest of draws and takes out a basque with a dozen moth holes in, a pair of stockings which barely pull up her wrinkly blotchy legs due to the holes in them and a yellow thong which you just knew used to be white.

She puts her "sexy" kit on feeling quite horny by now, she creeps back down stairs and peeps through the door. He is still sat in his chair watching the telly, he hasn't moved.

She kicks the door open and with a whoosh runs across the room right in front of him and says "Suuuuuuper Pussy".

There is a slight pause before the old man turns to her and says "Just the soup for me ta".

Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Posts: 314

Brune m8 can i work with you.. I wish I could do stuff like that at work.