drewcat
War Arranger
Joined: Oct 08, 2005
Posts: 739
Location: Accrington
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 Posted:
Tue May 16, 2006 3:17 pm |
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You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's that hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
 An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
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Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked When I says
'Bell two,' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!"
What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.
She replied: .......... Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
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A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants "I want to
bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t*ts"
he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe .The barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your a*se and lick it all off" he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms. Again,
the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more
chance'"
says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pu*sy with
Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put
his head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill
him.
Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour
yoghurt down between my ar*e cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right, He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fan*y with
Stella and then drink it all" she cries. The husband puts down his bat
and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you
going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of
Stella!"
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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